Peanuts
by Mewglegirl
Summary: Never had Commander Kahn ever obsessed over anything quite this much. The mystery taunted him, gripped his mind and pulled his attention away from all else. He would solve it, or die trying. A one-shot parody in which a glitch is taken literally.


Commander Kahn was renowned all over the world as the best leader the Elite Beat Agents have ever known. His very image made every agent's heart swell with pride, and he never ceased to hand out orders in a forceful yet respectful manner. He was feared and liked at the same time, and he contributed nearly all his time to assisting those in need of help, the special brand that only his agents can present.

In short, Commander Kahn was a brilliant man. His shortcomings could be counted on one hand.

So why couldn't he figure this out?

Kahn swept his hand across his face, greasy from lack of sleep, and tapped his earpiece again. "Agent J here," the confident voice said within in an instant. Kahn prided himself in his agents' timeliness.

"One last time," Kahn said wearily. He interlaced his fingers and rested his chin on them. "This is one mystery I refuse to let go unsolved."

The nod to go with J's response wasn't difficult to imagine. "Alright, sir."

There was a pause, during which the crackle of the signal was clearly audible. J had more to say, but was afraid to say it. Eventually, the commander sighed and said, "What is it?"

"Don't you think you're getting a little obsessed with this?"

"I'm perfectly fine," Kahn protested. His snappy tone wasn't intentional, but many sleepless nights being taunted by the enemy he had created for himself had long since drained his patience.

"If you say so."

The connection was terminated, and all Commander Kahn could do was wait. The pause didn't drag on for too long, and soon Agent J was knocking on the door to the central command center, where Kahn spent most of his time during the day.

With a press of a button, the door slid aside, and J stepped into the office, a single can in his hand. He ran his free hand through his hair nervously, taking care not to mess up his stylish pompadour, and set the container on Kahn's desk.

"Anything else, sir?" J asked, his voice tentative and insecure. Kahn was never one to get too angry when saving the world wasn't involved, so a situation like this was most unlike him.

"No, go back to...what were you doing, anyway?"

There was no suspicious glare in the agent's direction, but J could sense it in the commander's words.

"P-Patrol work, sir."

That was a bold-faced lie, but who knew what Kahn would say if he knew that Agent J was playing poker with a few of his good friends when he was supposed to be gathering data for potential recruits? Normally, Kahn was a fairly lax leader, being that he was the head of an organization built around something as carefree as music, but in the commander's current mental state, he was unpredictable. Even an agent as experienced as J had never seen Kahn so obsessed over anything but his agency.

Thankfully, Commander Kahn nodded silently and waved idly at his dutiful employee. "Dismissed."

J returned the silent nod, turned on his heel, and speedily left the room. It was all too nice to finally be allowed out.

As the door slid into the archway, once again plunging the command center into darkness aside from the glow of the dozens of screens projecting the states of various landmarks and EBA bases.

Kahn gripped the can left on his desk and turned the label to face him. It was such a simple thing. To think that the words "Sarcastic Nuts & Nuts" could carry so much meaning to a man. This was the final attempt, he told himself. It was all or nothing. His agents were beginning to worry, and his health may have been suffering.

He placed the can of nuts on the corner of his desk, just like always. His eyes were glued to it. The can would never leave his sight. He would solve this mystery _once and for all._

Suddenly, one of the screens lit up.

"HEEEEEAAAAALLLP!"

Instincts and muscle memory took over. Kahn pressed a few buttons and centered the satellite's camera on the specific location of the incident. Data for the hapless victim was displayed in bold letters to the right, and a list of possible songs for the agents to chose from appeared on the left.

The commander immediately formed a team of agents fit for the job in his head and reached up to tap his earpiece so that he might contact them.

It was then that he realized what exactly had happened.

Shocked and worried, Kahn's eyes flicked back down to the corner of his desk.

The can was gone.

A single obscenity left the commander's mouth.

* * *

><p>AN: OK, this one might require a bit of explanation, especially if you haven't unlocked all the bonus stages yet. See, in the third bonus stage (Survivor), there's a glitch in the opening cutscene. When Kahn does his "AGENTS ARE GOOOOO!" spiel, there's a can of peanuts on his desk, since the stage centers around them. Right before the stage actually starts, the nuts inexplicably vanish. I got to thinking what it would be like if that happened in-universe, and the plot bunny just wouldn't leave me alone. XD

I'm seriously loving EBA fanfics, by the way. Taking what little I'm presented with in terms of characterization and canon and turning it into a full-blown universe is nothing short of awesome. X3


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